The night only reminds me of his silhouette,
a stencil of a silent listener under a Kenyan lit sky…..smoking silently on the balcony.
Dark skinned, blue-black melanin…… a pigment for dreamers like the night itself.
Now I sleep with the lights on, so painfully aware of the absence of his breathing. All I want to talk about is the boy I lost in fear……
As if I can still taste the last drop of whiskey from his lips…… his name alone gives me a hangover.
All I ever do these days is wonder if there was any nobility in losing him, what reward has there ever been for being selfless?
Perhaps I loathe myself too much, thinking I don’t deserve to be happy because of the changes in myself I no longer recognise. The monthly pains that rip my insides, rinsing my bones and shredding each layer of my womanhood- making sex an endurance of suffering. It was when he saw me cry, wishing my body would stop being so alien to me….. praying that one week of every month would show mercy on me. I was ashamed, feeling sorry for him, as he watched me being helpless- begging him not to touch me when all he wanted was to hold me. Still he never complained, instead he listened when I said nothing at all….. understanding every particle of silence, knowing that I needed anybody to be present between my struggling gasps for air.
” it makes no differenece to me” he said “I just want to be here”.
I knew then I had to let him go, he deserved more than me. He was too good, he was the sun in any sunday morning…… and I couldn’t be anything to him without being tainted.
I told Sheila: “I really like that boy, I swear he puts the colour into my world. It hurts me just to think of something hurting him, if the way he watches me sleep means anything, he must be hurting when I hurt too. That means his heart breaks every month when I am curled up in the corner trying to rock myself to sleep, trying to escape from the monster that has taken refuge in my womb. I am worried it might scare him away one day, and then I will be completely shattered, handicapped and broken. It is better that he finds another girl who can be everything to him, I only hope she looks at him the way that I do.”